Seize the Day.

Sometimes it can be really hard to deal with your own struggles while still feeling like an awesome mom.
This week has been to say the least, incredibly draining. I misplaced my phone. I've been having some family issues. I'm stressed about moving, or rather the lack of.
On top of that, my husband has had a really busy week between work and studying for tests so most of the home duties have been on me. Which I would usually just breeze through but I've been an emotional wreck. In turn, it makes me feel like I'm not being the greatest mom I could be.
One of the hardest things EVER about being a mom is dealing with mommy guilt. This week has been prime for those feelings. It can be something as little as being so stressed out that you let your kid watch TV just so you can sit down and take a breather. At that moment you're all like, "No big deal! I deserve to sit and relax for a few minutes!" but then at some point in that day your child decides not to listen when you say no to something and the first thought in your head is? "I-just-damaged-my-child-beyond-repair-because-I-let-him watch-some-senseless-show-on-TV-because-it-kept-him-still-for-like-10-minutes-and-now-he's-already-turning-into-a-rebel-and-oh-my-gosh-how-could-I-have-done-that-I-fail-as-a-mother." Too much for one breath? You bet.
How ridiculous is that really though?
Every single day us moms worry and guilt ourselves over the silliest little things.
It gets even worst when you've had an emotionally charged week, but then you remember.
This little boy loves me unconditionally. This little boy tried to soothe me, his own mother, while I was too busy crying about something silly. This little boy ran up to me while I was stuck in my own wallowing thoughts and gave me a kiss on my cheek and tried to say all better because that's what mommy does with him when he's upset.
Sometimes as adults we break down and we act like children. We cry instead of pulling ourselves together. Sometimes our kids are the ones soothing us. They are the ones showing you love and kindness and compassion. They remind us that we all fall down sometimes in life and scrape our knees, but life moves on. Wounds heal and we forget they were ever there in the first place. They teach us that it's okay to smile after you cry.
They are a reflection of us.

There is always a light at the end of the tunnel and tomorrow is a chance to start fresh. Such a small little person with such a big heart. Thank you, Nikolas.

Time Flies.

So I'm not so great at committing. It's been over a year since I signed in. So instead of promising myself that I'm going to update it every day or every week, I'll just update when my heart desires.

Nikolas is now 1 year and 4 months old. I cannot believe how much time really does fly. When people would tell me to cherish every single minute of every single day I thought they were exaggerating. Having kids is such a weird experience. If it weren't for the pictures or videos from when he was born, I don't think I would really 'remember' him that way. When I close my eyes all I see is my adorable, almost a year and a half, smiling little nugget. He's brings so much laughter and joy into my life. He's walking and trying to talk and run and a million other things and I feel like I'm just getting older and life is passing me by. It's the oddest but most amazing experience.
I decided to update to do a little re-cap on the past year and it has been quite the year!

This was one of the first pictures that daddy took when he was only a few hours old. He was so alert and curious. I remember the first time I held him, his eyes locked on to me and I felt the most incredible sensation. It was like there were fireworks going off in my brain. At the same time I felt this carnal need to protect him. It was probably hormones, but every time someone would hold him I would sit there like an eagle staring them down thinking to myself, "Give me my baby back." I'm pretty sure I even cried a few times. It's so silly thinking back on it now but it felt so instinctive. 

He was two months and some change when I caught this gem on camera. When he started smiling I would feel like Alex Mac when she would turn into that silver goop stuff. It was heart warming and awe inspiring. All from a little ten pound baby. Just because of a little smile or coo here and there. I remember thinking, if this is how I feel over a little smile, what will happen when he actually starts hugging me and kissing me and saying he loves me? Well, it's safe to say that I've probably spontaneously combusted a few dozen times since. It's almost too much for one heart to take.

I LOVE this picture. I LOVE that gummy smile. I LOVE the big strong arms holding him. I LOVE everything this picture stands for.

 The older he gets, the more expressive his eyes are. The more they shine. The more he exuberates this light from within him. He's such a happy kid. He's so loving and has this kindness to him that I can't even explain. He's fun and gentle and rough all at the same time. He's such a boy. My boy.

He was SO happy at his first birthday party. He loved having a bunch of people fawning over him. At the same time he clung to me and his daddy the entire time! It was an awesome experience seeing him so curious over his toys and cake and everything else that comes with a birthday. 

It's mind boggling how quickly they grow. One day everything they need depends on you holding them, carrying them, feeding them. The next they are walking and talking and playing by themselves. It's really that quick. A blink of an eye would be an understatement.

Nikolas Alexander, you are amazing. You are a breath of fresh air. You always smell like the best cotton candy in the world. Your laugh warms the coldest hearts. I am so proud to be your mother.

& to think, this was you...

Mind boggling, I tell you.

Fresh Start.

It's been almost four months since my world has been turned completely upside down. Four months since my whole reason for living changed drastically. Four months since I found true happiness.
Being a mother is the most exquisite adventure anyone can ever be blessed to have.
When Nikolas was first born, I wasn't sure what my life would be like. Honestly, I wasn't even sure if I would be a good mother or if I would like being a mother. It took me a while to settle in but I finally feel comfortable with where I am. My son is the most amazing little person. It's so bizarre how quickly they learn new things. Last month he was barely smiling at people. Today, he laughs, interacts and expresses himself with squeals of delight and kicks of joy. It's only been 30 days since he started really socializing. It absolutely stumps me that something so little and fragile is at the same time so strong and intelligent. The first 2 months with him was stressful. He was jaundiced so he was taken off breast milk. Then he was put back on it. Then taken off again, and so on. We discovered he was also lactose intolerant (not to men. After realizing it was my breast milk that he couldn't properly digest we went through a non stop formula switching fiasco. Finally we found something that worked for him and it's been smooth sailing since.
And now, without further interruptions, I would like you all to meet my babe; Nikolas Alexander!

P.S- By the end of my pregnancy I had totally given up on this blog, if you couldn't tell. I had these huge plans and ideas to take this blog in a really awesome direction, giving readers a view on what it's like to raise a baby at a young age. I wanted to have this as some sort of diary, a memoir, so that I could look back on it years from now. I'm returning to finish what I started :)